Hash Tag Me Too

November 12th, 2017

I got a phone call from a man who took my photos ten years ago. I was shocked. Normally men I meet are really rubbish at phoning me. No man has ever lived up to the fictional boys that used to ring me when playing 90’s board game Dream Phone. Anyway, the photographer from 10 years ago, called me to say that another woman who he had photographed, was accusing him of sexual assault and he wanted me to vouch for him as a character reference. He wanted me to write a statement promoting him. I mean what did he… (Read more)

‘It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is most adaptable to change.’

November 4th, 2017

I wish the people that say that they’re ‘really competitive’ apply it to better things than board games and laser quest. Why are they not competitive at finding cures for cancer or world peace or becoming Britain’s next top model? Something actually useful. I normally look at people who proclaim they’re really competitive, and think ‘Really?’. All you have to show for it is a couple of swimming certificates, a health and safety course and a Duke of Edinburgh award. I’m not competitive at all. It always seemed to me like too much effort. You have to apply yourself. You… (Read more)

Creepy Friend – What Do I Do?

November 4th, 2017

           Dear Deidre, I’ve got this friend that’s a bit of a loser and she’s actually borderline creepy. I think she’s a bit obsessed with me to the point where she has a photo of me as a screensaver on her phone and I would never have one of her. She’s always saying I don’t call her enough and she always wants me to come and visit her. I find her really annoying and the only reason I’m still friends with her is because she is such a great listener. She will literally listen to me… (Read more)

“If You Can’t Have Me At My Worst Gigs, You Can’t Have Me At My Best Gigs” A Blog About How Bombing On Stage Is Essential To Comedy

September 24th, 2017

I’m really trying to remove my ego but it’s so blooming big it’s taking longer than I thought it would take. A bit like when I thought I could remove my bikini line in a 30 minute appointment slot. I need a lot longer than a 30 minute appointment to remove my bikini line. My bikini line isn’t a line it’s more of a border, which takes longer than getting through Calais customs with my Egyptian dad and half a tonne of baklava to get through. I’m hoping though, that unlike my bikini line, that when I do eventually remove… (Read more)

‘FUCK YOU I WONT DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!’

August 6th, 2017

You know when you get some sad news but it’s not like devastatingly sad it’s just a little bit sad but you make out that it’s devastatingly sad just so you can get out of doing stuff you don’t want to do? So, like, the other day my mum’s three legged one eyed cat Malcolm finally died and I used the sad news to get out of having to take the bins out, unload the dishwasher and giving a blowjob. It was bloody great! I was like, ‘Yeah I was really close to my mum’s cat, we were like bros.So… (Read more)

Work It, Can You Work It Can You Really Go On Facebook And Reverse It? Working 9 To 5 What A Way To Make A Living.

July 7th, 2017

All I have ever really wanted is a job where my boss can’t see my computer screen. I once had a job where I thought my boss couldn’t see my computer screen but after several months of working there I was horrified to realise that he could in fact see my computer screen, out of the reflection from the picture behind me. As you can imagine this was deeply disturbing. I felt like he had discovered a secret peep hole. I think I would have felt less violated had I found out that he’d been perving on me in the… (Read more)

When You Try Your Best But You Don’t Succeed

June 12th, 2017

Tragic  90’s star Aaliya famously sang, ‘If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and try again’. From the Latin meaning, ‘If you’re shit first time, give it another go’. It is derivative from the 13th Century ‘Go on my Son!’ proverb. Aaliya wasn’t the first star to advocate numerous ‘Tries’; Tana Umaga, Rob Howley, Will Greenwood, Thierry Dusautoir, Percy Montgomery, Stephen Larkham, Matt Giteau and Jason Robinson all love a Try. Makes sense; Rugby without any Tries is a pointless, literally. You may have noticed an inspirational quote about ‘Trying’ doing the rounds on old Faceyb at the moment. This… (Read more)

Hugh Hefner: Feminist Icon

May 7th, 2017

No one ever talks about what Hugh Hefner did for women’s rights and Feminism in the same way that we do not talk about what Hitler did for the Vegetarian cause or how he continues to post humously raise awareness of testicular cancer. (Hitler, in case you have never been on a train with chanting football fans before, only had one ball.) Instead we choose to focus on celebrities bad points. Like Karen carpenters anorexia not her amazing voice but her emaciated body, what a waste. Or Michael Jackson’s transformation from a musically gifted and good looking black man who… (Read more)

You Know Its Christmas When the Coca-Cola Ad Comes Out. You Know Its ‘Merry Fucking Easter’ When The Pepsi Ad Comes Out

April 13th, 2017

Not name dropping or anything but the other day I was hanging out with my Mum. I know. Now I’m not saying my Mum is like a celebrity or anything, she’s no Jack Whitehall’s Dad or Ramesh Ranganathan’s Mum but she is the mum of Zahra Barri so I think that counts for something. So, my Mum and I were hanging out. By ‘hanging out’ I mean that we were going up and down the aisles of Tesco Extra in Bradford and I was rinsing her dry. I love going food shopping with my Mum she literally lets me buy… (Read more)

HI POSITIVE!

March 27th, 2017

  PROBLOGUE:   If you read the title of this blog, quickly and at a glance you will think this blog is about Aids. But if you pause, take it in, and don’t jump to conclusions you will see that this blog is saying hello to positivity. It’s symbolic; something might seem bad at first, but on closer inspection, with time, if you really read what you’re seeing, that negative feeling will fade and will be replaced with warm and fuzzy feelings. This is exactly the way I reacted when I met my boyfriend. Hated him at first sight, thought he… (Read more)

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