“If You Can’t Have Me At My Worst Gigs, You Can’t Have Me At My Best Gigs” A Blog About How Bombing On Stage Is Essential To Comedy

September 24th, 2017

I’m really trying to remove my ego but it’s so blooming big it’s taking longer than I thought it would take. A bit like when I thought I could remove my bikini line in a 30 minute appointment slot. I need a lot longer than a 30 minute appointment to remove my bikini line. My bikini line isn’t a line it’s more of a border, which takes longer than getting through Calais customs with my Egyptian dad and half a tonne of baklava to get through. I’m hoping though, that unlike my bikini line, that when I do eventually remove… (Read more)


August 6th, 2017

You know when you get some sad news but it’s not like devastatingly sad it’s just a little bit sad but you make out that it’s devastatingly sad just so you can get out of doing stuff you don’t want to do? So, like, the other day my mum’s three legged one eyed cat Malcolm finally died and I used the sad news to get out of having to take the bins out, unload the dishwasher and giving a blowjob. It was bloody great! I was like, ‘Yeah I was really close to my mum’s cat, we were like bros.So… (Read more)

Work It, Can You Work It Can You Really Go On Facebook And Reverse It? Working 9 To 5 What A Way To Make A Living.

July 7th, 2017

All I have ever really wanted is a job where my boss can’t see my computer screen. I once had a job where I thought my boss couldn’t see my computer screen but after several months of working there I was horrified to realise that he could in fact see my computer screen, out of the reflection from the picture behind me. As you can imagine this was deeply disturbing. I felt like he had discovered a secret peep hole. I think I would have felt less violated had I found out that he’d been perving on me in the… (Read more)

When You Try Your Best But You Don’t Succeed

June 12th, 2017

Tragic  90’s star Aaliya famously sang, ‘If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and try again’. From the Latin meaning, ‘If you’re shit first time, give it another go’. It is derivative from the 13th Century ‘Go on my Son!’ proverb. Aaliya wasn’t the first star to advocate numerous ‘Tries’; Tana Umaga, Rob Howley, Will Greenwood, Thierry Dusautoir, Percy Montgomery, Stephen Larkham, Matt Giteau and Jason Robinson all love a Try. Makes sense; Rugby without any Tries is a pointless, literally. You may have noticed an inspirational quote about ‘Trying’ doing the rounds on old Faceyb at the moment. This… (Read more)

Hugh Hefner: Feminist Icon

May 7th, 2017

No one ever talks about what Hugh Hefner did for women’s rights and Feminism in the same way that we do not talk about what Hitler did for the Vegetarian cause or how he continues to post humously raise awareness of testicular cancer. (Hitler, in case you have never been on a train with chanting football fans before, only had one ball.) Instead we choose to focus on celebrities bad points. Like Karen carpenters anorexia not her amazing voice but her emaciated body, what a waste. Or Michael Jackson’s transformation from a musically gifted and good looking black man who… (Read more)

You Know Its Christmas When the Coca-Cola Ad Comes Out. You Know Its ‘Merry Fucking Easter’ When The Pepsi Ad Comes Out

April 13th, 2017

Not name dropping or anything but the other day I was hanging out with my Mum. I know. Now I’m not saying my Mum is like a celebrity or anything, she’s no Jack Whitehall’s Dad or Ramesh Ranganathan’s Mum but she is the mum of Zahra Barri so I think that counts for something. So, my Mum and I were hanging out. By ‘hanging out’ I mean that we were going up and down the aisles of Tesco Extra in Bradford and I was rinsing her dry. I love going food shopping with my Mum she literally lets me buy… (Read more)


March 27th, 2017

  PROBLOGUE:   If you read the title of this blog, quickly and at a glance you will think this blog is about Aids. But if you pause, take it in, and don’t jump to conclusions you will see that this blog is saying hello to positivity. It’s symbolic; something might seem bad at first, but on closer inspection, with time, if you really read what you’re seeing, that negative feeling will fade and will be replaced with warm and fuzzy feelings. This is exactly the way I reacted when I met my boyfriend. Hated him at first sight, thought he… (Read more)

Love Thy Neighbour. Even If They Voted Differently To You And They Have Put A Wall Up So You Can’t Get In Anyway.

February 16th, 2017

Friend: OK so there’s been something I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while now but I’ve been too scared to tell you because I didn’t know how you would react and I thought it might make things weird between us…   Me: You know you can tell me anything, I mean we’re best friends, what is it?   Friend: Yes, well ok, ummmm   Me: Look, just spit it out it can’t be that bad and I mean well,you’re starting to really freak me out now, whatever it is just tell me.   Friend: OK well you know… (Read more)

Body Con? It’s A Bloody Con Alright!!

December 30th, 2016

I feel a lot of connection and empathy for the transgender community because I have also always thought that I am in the wrong body. Like a lot of transsexuals, I feel like my body doesn’t match who I truly am inside. In the fact that, I feel like I’m one of those ‘old souls’. Let me be more specific, I feel like I am an old man in the body of a 30 year old woman. Now, I haven’t always felt this way. A while back, I used to feel like I had the mind and personality of an… (Read more)

Mental Me. Proper Crazy.

November 3rd, 2016

It’s Mental Health Awareness day. Well, it’s not, it was on the 10th October but, I was really depressed that day and didn’t feel quite like celebrating it, ok? So Happy Belated Mental Health Awareness day to me. To celebrate and raise awareness of mental health I watched a couple of episodes of the X Factor, Take Me Out and First Dates. Three shows that pioneer to raise awareness of mental health by featuring contestants that suffer from mental health issues. Also the Audience demographic that watch the X Factor, Take Me Out and First Dates prove to be several selfies… (Read more)

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