This Is My Moment

January 5th, 2018

My new year resolution is to live in the moment more. I ironically posted this on Twitter. A very portal of the ether of the internet that solely exists for you to comment on your life during the actual and very moment that it is happening. In short, Twitter is the very antithesis of living in the moment. The fact that you are tweeting a moment means that you are not entirely living the moment. I think therefore I am? More like I tweet therefore I cannot fully experience. Don’t get me started on Instagram. Actually I will, but only… (Read more)

Sod Off Roy Moore!

December 19th, 2017

Republican Senate, Roy Moore, said that the world has been taken over by ‘sodomy, abortion and materialism’. I disagree. Surely if the world has been taken over by sodomy that eradicates the probability of needing an abortion. In a recent poll, carried out by Les Dennis at The National Office of Statistics, concluded that Anal Sex (a.k.a sodomy) is the second most popular method of contraception that couples use, (top method was Marriage). So, old Royster, people are actually using acts of sodomy so as not to get pregnant and need an abortion in the first place. As for the… (Read more)

You’re So Fakebook, You Probably Think This Blog Is About You

December 11th, 2017

A friend of mine on Facebook (an actual friend not just a Facebook friend- I know this because we WhatsApp too) messaged me the other day and asked me why I hadn’t ‘liked’ or commented or shown some sort of emoji to a memory of a photo of us that she had shared and tagged me in. I couldn’t believe how needy she was being. Then I remembered it’s 2017, social media likes and shares and comments and followers is how we seek validation. John Lennon said, ‘All we need is Love’. No John, we don’t need Love, all we need is… (Read more)

Hash Tag Me Too

November 12th, 2017

I got a phone call from a man who took my photos ten years ago. I was shocked. Normally men I meet are really rubbish at phoning me. No man has ever lived up to the fictional boys that used to ring me when playing 90’s board game Dream Phone. Anyway, the photographer from 10 years ago, called me to say that another woman who he had photographed, was accusing him of sexual assault and he wanted me to vouch for him as a character reference. He wanted me to write a statement promoting him. I mean what did he… (Read more)

‘It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is most adaptable to change.’

November 4th, 2017

I wish the people that say that they’re ‘really competitive’ apply it to better things than board games and laser quest. Why are they not competitive at finding cures for cancer or world peace or becoming Britain’s next top model? Something actually useful. I normally look at people who proclaim they’re really competitive, and think ‘Really?’. All you have to show for it is a couple of swimming certificates, a health and safety course and a Duke of Edinburgh award. I’m not competitive at all. It always seemed to me like too much effort. You have to apply yourself. You… (Read more)

Creepy Friend – What Do I Do?

November 4th, 2017

           Dear Deidre, I’ve got this friend that’s a bit of a loser and she’s actually borderline creepy. I think she’s a bit obsessed with me to the point where she has a photo of me as a screensaver on her phone and I would never have one of her. She’s always saying I don’t call her enough and she always wants me to come and visit her. I find her really annoying and the only reason I’m still friends with her is because she is such a great listener. She will literally listen to me… (Read more)

“If You Can’t Have Me At My Worst Gigs, You Can’t Have Me At My Best Gigs” A Blog About How Bombing On Stage Is Essential To Comedy

September 24th, 2017

I’m really trying to remove my ego but it’s so blooming big it’s taking longer than I thought it would take. A bit like when I thought I could remove my bikini line in a 30 minute appointment slot. I need a lot longer than a 30 minute appointment to remove my bikini line. My bikini line isn’t a line it’s more of a border, which takes longer than getting through Calais customs with my Egyptian dad and half a tonne of baklava to get through. I’m hoping though, that unlike my bikini line, that when I do eventually remove… (Read more)

‘FUCK YOU I WONT DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!’

August 6th, 2017

You know when you get some sad news but it’s not like devastatingly sad it’s just a little bit sad but you make out that it’s devastatingly sad just so you can get out of doing stuff you don’t want to do? So, like, the other day my mum’s three legged one eyed cat Malcolm finally died and I used the sad news to get out of having to take the bins out, unload the dishwasher and giving a blowjob. It was bloody great! I was like, ‘Yeah I was really close to my mum’s cat, we were like bros.So… (Read more)

Work It, Can You Work It Can You Really Go On Facebook And Reverse It? Working 9 To 5 What A Way To Make A Living.

July 7th, 2017

All I have ever really wanted is a job where my boss can’t see my computer screen. I once had a job where I thought my boss couldn’t see my computer screen but after several months of working there I was horrified to realise that he could in fact see my computer screen, out of the reflection from the picture behind me. As you can imagine this was deeply disturbing. I felt like he had discovered a secret peep hole. I think I would have felt less violated had I found out that he’d been perving on me in the… (Read more)

When You Try Your Best But You Don’t Succeed

June 12th, 2017

Tragic  90’s star Aaliya famously sang, ‘If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and try again’. From the Latin meaning, ‘If you’re shit first time, give it another go’. It is derivative from the 13th Century ‘Go on my Son!’ proverb. Aaliya wasn’t the first star to advocate numerous ‘Tries’; Tana Umaga, Rob Howley, Will Greenwood, Thierry Dusautoir, Percy Montgomery, Stephen Larkham, Matt Giteau and Jason Robinson all love a Try. Makes sense; Rugby without any Tries is a pointless, literally. You may have noticed an inspirational quote about ‘Trying’ doing the rounds on old Faceyb at the moment. This… (Read more)

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